The evening ends in, really, the only logical place it could. 

This is where I'll collapse somewhere and insist to everyone that I'm fine, and then flash my biggest grin and double thumbs-up, to prove it -- thus demonstrating how polluted I really am. 

Awwww. 

Chris salutes the evening in his own special way. 

Thank you, patio table. You served us well. 

The Hoegaarden (sic!) candle theft commences. 

Luuuurrrrrve. 

Erica! She's having fun. 

After having discovered it features no beverages, the menu is cast aside. 

Shortly after my brain dies, Nikki gets comfortable. 

Okay, if you ever go out with me and you see this look on my face? I'm done. And I won't remember anything you say or do. This is the brain death look. 

This is where I tried to call the taxi guy and give him coherent directions to where we were. That we got home is actually a miracle. 

The others look on, wondering when the hell we're going to finish. 

See, I'm doing the pirate thing again, with the smoking. I really have to figure that out. 

Maximum arty. 

Much more arty. 

Chris and I, getting very excited about a smoke break. 

AND I LOVE IT! 

This is how most women look at me, drunk or sober: A mix of polite smiles and utter horror. 

Right about here, Glenn took a video of me. This is the full transcript:

Glenn: "...and, action!"

Mike: "Action! What more action is there! No more action than Mike... and me! There is no maaaaaahhh--"

Chris: "No mas!"

Mike: "Ancient Egyptian action! Yeah! WooooOOOOOOOOOO! Yeah."

I just don't know where the hell these things come from.

I am all about ACTION. 

What you don't realize is, I'm clinging to Mike to keep from collapsing on the table. Farther down, Nikki angles to watch the inevitable collapse. 

I am this suave, too. 

The "Molest All of My Female Friends" tour makes a stop in Michelle-town, Ontario. 

My "Molest All of My Female Friends" tour continues! Do you have tickets for your local show?